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THE IRON EAGLES
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Once a British World War II ace was about to give a lecture on dog fighting
tactics during the national Air Force day celebrations, where he finally made a reference
to one of his flying incidents with the jerries. He began... "And then I
suddenly noticed that those German Fokkers were closing in fast!"
And obviously following this, there was a weird expression on the face of the
audience, at which the host quickly came in and explained, "Ladies and
Gentleman, the Fokker was an aircraft used by the German forces." The ace,
continued, "Yeah, that's right, but these Fokkers were flying Messerchmidts."
6) The Secret of night landings...
A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all of his landings.
Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much trouble during the day?"
The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen up, then I just pull back."
5) Where were you last night?
Once a member of a flying club, flying a microlight aircraft, got lost. After
a long time of panicking, he spotted a small airstrip and running low on fuel,
he made an immediate landing at the field. The airstrip eventually happened to
be a Air Force secret base, and subsequently he was immediately taken into
custody by the security guards, where he was questioned for hours, for the whole
night, whether he was really lost or he was a enemy spy. But then it was
accepted that this guy was lost and running low on fuel, and they released him
the next morning.
The crew at the ATC was shocked to
see that the very same aircraft, that left in the morning was coming back for
landing on the very same airstrip. When the aircraft landed, the security
reached the aircraft, and immediately pointed guns at him. But this time he had
come with his wife. He fell on his knees with his hands up, and said, "Do
whatever you want, but for God sake explain my wife where I was last
4) Good intentions
ATC: "HPT-32, what are your intentions?"
HPT 32: "To get my wings and become a fighter pilot sir."
ATC: "I meant in the next 5 minutes, not ten years!"
3) Where's the Flight Instructor? (Adopted from FLIGHT
A major fire had broken out in the city area and it was
running out of control. A lady NEWS paper reporter was asked to go and take some
neat shots of the city fire. The boss said, "I want best possible shots, I
don't care if you had to board a private aircraft. Don't worry about the
expense." She ordered a plane, immediately went over to the airfield and on
seeing a small aircraft with a young pilot, hopped in beside him and says
"Lets go. Take off". The pilot, without a word of compromise, took-off
and climbed a certain altitude." Then the reporter tells him, "See
that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close
as you can." Incredulous, the pilot says, "I am a photojournalist and
that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!"
The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and
says, "You are not the Flight Instructor?"
2) Stealth Fighters (Sent by Sqn
Ldr Yadav )
This was the conversation that was heard from two 'heavily drunk' Indian AF Mirage 2000
1st Pilot to his Wingman: KF-147, Niks, do you see me?
Wingman: KF-135, Sir, I do not see you.... (after a minutes
pause).... Sir, do you see me?
1st Pilot: Nah!
1st Pilot (again): Hey, I believe we are now
1 (Sent by Breaker)
Once during the Vietnam war the Americans ran short of bomber pilots. Having
no time to order a new batch, they thought of training their technical staff
into bomber pilots for the time being. As they were in a hurry the instructor
was asked to make the course as short as possible. He taught the airmen Taking
Off, navigating into the target area, targeting and then dropping the bombs.
With this he ended the course. One airmen looking quite confused, got up and
asked, sir what about landing course? how do we get down? The instructor very
calmly said, "I think we must leave that part to the soviet SAMs"
Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country.
Instructor: Turns down the panel lights, "OK, you've just lost your
lights, what are you going to do?"
Student pulls out a flashlight.
Student: "I get out my flashlight."
Instructor grabs flashlight.
Instructor: "The batteries are dead, now what are you going to do?"
Student pulls out another flashlight.
Student: "I get out my other flashlight."
Instructor grabs next flashlight.
Instructor: "The bulb is burned out on this one, now what?"
Student pulls out yet a third flashlight.
Student: "I use this flashlight."
Instructor grabs this one too.
Instructor: "ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?"
Student: "I use this glow stick."
Instructor: "Sighhhhhh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?"
A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine):
After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our first officer".
Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the Captain did an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our Captain".
The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say that for?".
The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to you!".
"But I never keyed the mike!", responded the Captain.
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.
The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:
1. Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
2. Join our frequent near-miss program.
3. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
4. Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!
5. Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
6. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
7. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
8. You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!
9. Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
10. Delta: We might be landing on your street!
11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
12. Bring a bathing suit.
13. So that's what these buttons do!
14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.
An FAA Inspector walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."
Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet into a vertical climb. After a few seconds he got a call from the tower as follows, "Ghost 53Z, tower. Say heading," to which the pilot responded "Uh, up, sir."
A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Allentown. It's totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall office building.
He rolls down the window (this particular plane happens to have roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?"
The person responds "In an airplane!"
The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a perfect landing at ABE.
As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how the response you got was any use."
"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the PP&L building."
Big Iron engine and airplane company announced the first flight of the new Razzle 200 airliner. Chief test pilot Frank Lee Candid emerged from the cockpit shaken, dripping with sweat. He tried to muster a smile for the cameras and blurted out, "Damn, I'm happy to be alive."
Regaining his composure, he said the airplane flew "well, and the test was nearly according to plan." The only deviations from expected flight test results were a few cases of high speed flutter and one brief but violent control hard-over, responsible for the highly theatrical snap roll seen on short final. Henri Flaque, company press agent, noted that the snap roll showed the inherent strength of the Razzle 200 airframe, holding together despite the 30% corkscrew twist of the empennage.
Aircraft systems performed "nearly flawlessly," Candid said. The sole problem was in a landing gear actuator which began an uncommanded gear retraction during what was supposed to be a simple high speed taxi run. When the gear left the runway of its own accord, Candid said he was glad for the opportunity to check out the 200's handling. The approach was delayed briefly while the landing gear extended and retracted itself a number of times until the hydraulic power unit burned out, fortunately with the gear in a generally "down" position.
The new Thruster KY-20 turbofan was praised for retaining most of its parts during the test flight. "That's one rugged engine," Flaque said. Candid noted the fuel consumption was "frightening", adding that checks were being made to assure that the fuel did flow through the engine and not out of a large hole in the tank. Smoke emissions were said to be well below Pittsburgh Valley standards.
Several questions to Candid had to be repeated at a louder volume, a problem Candid laughingly dismissed to a minor, temporary deafness caused by some "harmonic resonances and vibrations" experienced in the cockpit. A slight window seal leak which sucked the cigarettes out of his shirt pocket was the only other cockpit environment problem.
Candid, apparently thinking about his experiences, was still chuckling under his breath, slowly and quietly, when asked whether he had considered using the ejection seat, specially installed for the test program. he seemed at that moment to remember the ejection handle still in his rigidly clenched left hand, a few multicolored wires dangling From the end. Smiling sickly, he held it up for all to see, his hand trembling from the muscle tension. "Guess I'm lucky this baby didn't fire," he admitted. "We made the parachute, too."
Federal Aviation Agency,
Washington 25, D.C.
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. but on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me >From another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.
On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.
When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.
We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's rediculous. I never saw sow many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape.
The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket htat I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?
It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead wigh sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.
Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computor. I am a whiz at that computor, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourseelf, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning. I dedided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it semed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occured because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.
As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.
To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer. Evidently there were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talkig about some god damn stupid son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.
Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something.
Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license airmail, special delivery.
Very, truly yours,
Two hunters hired a bush pilot to fly them to a remote lake in Alaska. As he dropped them off, the pilot said, "Now, you can legally shoot one moose apiece, but don't do it. We can't possibly get out of here with two moose strapped onto the pontoons." The hunters promised, but temptation was too great, and they shot two. When the pilot returned to pick them up he screamed and hollered, but finally they strapped a moose to each pontoon. Went to the downwind end of the lake, firewalled it, finally lifted off just at the far shore. The plane struggled to climb, but the terrain rose faster. They went into the trees. When the noise quieted down the pilot said, "I told you SOB's we couldn't get out of this lake with two moose aboard!" One hunter replied, Well, we got about a half a mile farther than we did last year!"
You can flesh it out with details.
vince norris, penn state u.
The Pilot's Prayer
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
What's the purpose of the propeller?
To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor..."
(This one really happened - the FE was suspended:)
On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on. Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!!